Decisions…Frick!

Decisions.  Here is what I’ve decided about decisions:  they suck and I don’t want to have to make any.

Period.

As you can see I’m kinda being a baby about this, but anyone who has ever had to make a decision that just tears you in two understands where I’m coming from.

There was a time not too long ago, say 3 days, when I was so against making decisions that even when choosing what I wanted for supper or what music to listen to, I went on strike!  But then I got bored and hungry and I realized decisions are necessary.  Frick!  Why do decisions have to be so integral to human life!?!

This brings up a question: Why do I hate having to make hard decisions?

That brought up an answer: "Anna, I don’t trust you to make the ‘right’ choice,” affectionately, Self.

You see, pressure situations have never gotten the best of me.  This is all new to me, this insecurity, and I feel like there is pressure to make a right decision, pressure to do what is expected or pressure to be a certain person (Which is weird because I know that my family and friends don’t put this pressure on me…maybe I’m too hard on myself?).  I guess the bright side is that this pressure is forcing me to grow and make decisions, however the slightly less bright side is revealing that I don’t trust myself.

Have you ever lifted weights?  Have you ever had a barbell fall on you and crush the life out of you?  Me either.  But I can imagine the feeling.  And then I can imagine the feeling of that enormous pressure being lifted.  I can imagine how sweet that first deep breath of air feels.

It is easy for me to imagine because, oh…say...3 days ago, I felt that.  No, I was not crushed in a weight room.  Even better, I had a revelation.  I was ticked off about being faced with a possible decision, I was washed over with an overwhelming sense of peace about what would happen.  I realized that trusting myself was not the way to go at all.  I realized that there is no way that I would not be fine if I trusted My God to make the decisions for me.

I’ve always been a girl who loved control, that is one of the reasons why I love teaching, that is also one of the reasons why my previous relationship didn’t last.  Relinquishing control is one of the hardest things for me to do.  It is also one of the most necessary things for me.  When I take the control, the successes, the failures, the choices out of my hands and place them where they belong, then I can sleep easy at night.  When I sleep a little more easy, then I don’t hate those decisions so much.