A Great Memory

I really don’t like goodbyes.  I’m sure I’ll have more to say about that in a later post, but today I’m positive of the reason that I don’t like goodbyes.  My greatest fear is forgetting.  I think this fear really surface when I was forced into the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say.

Today is Memorial Day, which is fitting because today is also my dad’s birthday.   My dad was killed almost four years ago and I’m beginning to realize my fear.  I hate it.  I used to be able to remember exactly what he smelled like and how his voice sounded, I used to be able to see him walk into a room and command the attention of everyone thanks to his black Stetson.  I used to be able to hear him jamming out to classic rock at 5 in the morning and I used to see his truck pull into the drive after the sun went down.  Now a days I’m starting to forget little pieces of what made him who he is.  This makes me more sad than most of you can understand.  I want so badly to remember every little detail.  I want to be able to convey to my family one day exactly who my dad was and exactly what he was like.   I hope that one day they will see enough of him in me and my siblings that they will understand how amazing my dad was.  We all miss him so much.

The advice I got from my mom for a day like today was to share a memory and while you are remembering, smile.  So, I’m going to fight forgetting, I’m going to fight the worst part of goodbyes and I’m going to smile.

This is my favorite memory of my dad.

When I was a junior in high school our basketball team was playing EB near the end of the season.  We needed to win the game in order to finish high in the conference (I don’t remember exactly, but I remember it was a big game).   I was nervous and I remember during warm-ups a couple of my teammates pointed out that my dad had arrived, this wasn’t unusual because they always loved spotting him walk through the gym doors in his black cowboy hat (he always looked so classy).  Immediately after seeing him my nerves were gone.

The game played out and it was a good game.  It went into double overtime and I was one of the only starters that had not fouled out for either team when it neared the end.  On the floor for us was myself and 4 underclassmen.  I remember calling them into a huddle and telling them they better not mess up…I’m not exactly sure what words I used :).  My team and I stepped up in that last minute and pulled it out, the entire gym erupted.  It felt like we had just won a state championship.

As we were walking back into the locker room I spotted my dad above me on the balcony.  He was crying.  After our post game talk with the coach I ran out and found my dad waiting, he was still teary.  He gave me the biggest hug and said to me, “I’ve never been so proud, you led with such class.”

The best part of that memory is that when I tell it, I can still remember what it felt like to be in his arms in that moment, I can still remember what it felt like to hear those words.

(Smile.)

Happy Birthday, Daddy.  We all miss you and love you so, so much.

Decisions…Frick!

Decisions.  Here is what I’ve decided about decisions:  they suck and I don’t want to have to make any.

Period.

As you can see I’m kinda being a baby about this, but anyone who has ever had to make a decision that just tears you in two understands where I’m coming from.

There was a time not too long ago, say 3 days, when I was so against making decisions that even when choosing what I wanted for supper or what music to listen to, I went on strike!  But then I got bored and hungry and I realized decisions are necessary.  Frick!  Why do decisions have to be so integral to human life!?!

This brings up a question: Why do I hate having to make hard decisions?

That brought up an answer: "Anna, I don’t trust you to make the ‘right’ choice,” affectionately, Self.

You see, pressure situations have never gotten the best of me.  This is all new to me, this insecurity, and I feel like there is pressure to make a right decision, pressure to do what is expected or pressure to be a certain person (Which is weird because I know that my family and friends don’t put this pressure on me…maybe I’m too hard on myself?).  I guess the bright side is that this pressure is forcing me to grow and make decisions, however the slightly less bright side is revealing that I don’t trust myself.

Have you ever lifted weights?  Have you ever had a barbell fall on you and crush the life out of you?  Me either.  But I can imagine the feeling.  And then I can imagine the feeling of that enormous pressure being lifted.  I can imagine how sweet that first deep breath of air feels.

It is easy for me to imagine because, oh…say...3 days ago, I felt that.  No, I was not crushed in a weight room.  Even better, I had a revelation.  I was ticked off about being faced with a possible decision, I was washed over with an overwhelming sense of peace about what would happen.  I realized that trusting myself was not the way to go at all.  I realized that there is no way that I would not be fine if I trusted My God to make the decisions for me.

I’ve always been a girl who loved control, that is one of the reasons why I love teaching, that is also one of the reasons why my previous relationship didn’t last.  Relinquishing control is one of the hardest things for me to do.  It is also one of the most necessary things for me.  When I take the control, the successes, the failures, the choices out of my hands and place them where they belong, then I can sleep easy at night.  When I sleep a little more easy, then I don’t hate those decisions so much.

Days of Summer…So Close

For those of you who are unaware, I only have 8 days of school left in my first year of teaching.

I think that in itself deserves a round of applause (see how humble I am!).  :)

The school year is so close to an end and for those of you who have only ever been students, you may be surprised to hear that even teachers CANNOT WAIT FOR SUMMER!  Trust me, we need the time of rejuvenation.

Earlier in my blogging adventures I wrote about standardized tests and the idea of pass/fail in teaching.  I’m happy to announce that the reports were good, at least I was happy with them.  :)  When I got the scores back I breathed a sigh of relief and then took a moment to celebrate.  It seems like something so petty and very insignificant, but to a teacher these days, a matter of just a few percent can define a whole year of long hours, reworked lesson plans and countless headaches.  Regardless, I didn’t set out to blog on standardized tests and the unfair pressure put on teachers because of them.  I’m blogging for a more important reason---SUMMER.

I can’t wait to sleep in, I can’t wait to have a to do list and not cross anything off that list for a whole day(I usually have nervous break downs when nothing gets crossed off, but this summer I resolve no nervous breakdowns).  I can’t wait to celebrate weddings with people I care about and admire so much.  I can’t wait to help my baby sister apartment shop and not feel like I have 30 things to do and only a weekend to do them in.  I can’t wait to feel organized and caught up on laundry.  I can’t wait to go out for sushi with my mom and get caught up on her life.  I can’t wait to travel.  I can’t wait...

…but I have to.

Summer isn’t here yet.  Students are as hyper as ever and with every day that comes closer to the end of school, I seem to think that if I can make it to the end, I can make it through anything.  I have a growing list of things that need to be finished by the end of the school year and when I think about it, I get the feeling of that nervous break down coming on.  Then, I take a deep breath and I remember why I do what I do.  That simple thought puts a lot in perspective for me.

I was given just enough time to get done exactly what I’m supposed to get done.  I’ll be happy with that and I’ll make the most of that enough.  I encourage you to do the same, even if you don’t get the summer break that I do.  :)

Passion

I don’t really feel very passionate about much right now.  Usually when I’m blogging I write about something that is on my heart, something I’m passionate about.

I would consider myself a pretty passionate person however, right now I’m just not feeling it.

I feel as though I’m a little stuck in a rut lately.  I keep doing the same things.  I’m struggling to find something exciting and new something that I look forward to.  I’m just can’t seem to find those things that get me pumped.

One of the ever looming lessons I took away from one of my college basketball coaches is this: when you feel as though you have made a mistake or you are struggling or you are in pain, pick up your teammates, encourage them.  When you take the focus off of yourself and off the negative you stop thinking of all the things that are not so good.  So I’ll take Earl’s advice and instead of thinking about my lack of passion, I’m going to focus on things that are good, things that I’m passionate about.

I’m passionate about thunderstorms…there is one right now and it reminds me of when I was younger and my parents would sit on our front porch and watch the storm.  I think that was where I learned how to just talk about life.  I’m passionate about that too, I love talking about life, sharing stories and laughter and all the hurts and trials of the moment.  It’s really beautiful.

I’m passionate about kids, I want to see them be pushed and succeed (and I want a whole slew of my own one day :)).

I’m passionate about cooking and trying new foods and even better having good conversation over a meal made with love.

I’m passionate about community and finding support in those friendships that make up your community.

I’m passionate about music and singing the deep, emotion filled, soul trembling songs in worship.

I’m passionate about friendship and challenging and encouraging.

I’m passionate about a love so big that it leaves me speechless on so many occasions.

I’m passionate about serving and loving in a way that let’s others know that I was first served and loved.  

See…I can be passionate :)

I’m starting to feel better already.  Thanks, Coach!

Kimber Lee

Happy Mother’s Day!

This post is a shout out to my mom.  She is a faithful reader, at least I think so (if not I guess she really missed out this time).  :)

Did you ever have someone in your life who could drive you absolutely bananas, make you want to scream, drive you mad, and yet you still want to spend every moment possible with them?

Meet my mother.  :)

Growing up, my mother and I were pros at butting heads.  High school had some rough times for us, as I’m sure most mothers and daughters can relate.  However, something happened.  I’m not sure exactly when it happened or how even, but my mom slowly went from being my mom to being my friend.  It’s weird how that relationship evolved, she used to give me advice (sometimes unsolicited) as my mother, and now I ask her for advice as my friend.  I value you her opinion and her input, and I trust her judgment.  She has become so much more than a mother.

She is the most beautiful, unselfish and humble friend in the world.  My mom is goofy, an airhead even and she has taught me more than I will probably ever realize.  My mom posses a strength that is impossible to describe and a wisdom that only comes with years of laugh lines and greying hair.  She has the most giving spirt of anyone I’ve ever known and she values her family more than the most precious gold or jewels.

She is a woman who I admire.

Mom, I love you.

You are the best.

Music to Live By

Did you ever think about how crazy it is that certain types of music can determine what you are doing?

Well, I have…obviously.

This revelation came to me while opening up my iTunes.  I have several playlists and I noticed that may of them are titled according to what I am doing when I want to listen to that type of music.  I have quiet work music (that I’m listening to right now), I have work out music, I have cleaning music and I have belt it out in the shower music.  It’s really amazing how music can choreograph your life.

One of my favorite play lists lately has been my belt it in the shower playlist (insert apology to any of my neighbors).  This has been my favorite lately in utter anticipation for Wicked.  I’m so pumped that my sister and I are going to see this musical in about a month.  One of the songs that graces my playlist from the show is called Defying Gravity.  This is one of the more popular songs from the show and if you know much about Wicked, you’ve probably heard or at least heard of Defying Gravity.

…Something has changed within me, something is not the same.  I’m through with playing by the rules of someone elses’ game.  Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep.  It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.  It’s time to try defying gravity…

I love this anthem of conquering fears, throwing caution to the wind and putting it all out there.  Not letting anything hold me back from something I’ve been afraid of has been a common theme of this blog.  I’m getting the sense that subconsciously I keep thinking that I was meant for something more that what my life is right at this moment.

Let me clarify here for a second.  In know way do I think that I’m not meant to be right here, right now.  I’m teaching exactly what I’m supposed to be teaching, I’m building relationships that I’m meant to make.  I’m in no way above or better than my current situation.  But I keep get the feeling that I haven’t yet tried defying gravity.  I haven’t stopped second guessing or playing by someone elses’ rules.

So, I ask very simply, a very real question, when is my time to defy gravity?

Such a quiet, yet profound question.  Seven little words that can make me so uneasy.  I guess the only resolution that I have found up until this point (I’ll take suggestions if anyone has anything better) is yet another song.  A song that I’m letting inspire the choreography of my everyday.

Class of 2006

In honor of the many graduations coming up I did a little digging.  Some of you may not know this, but when I was in high school I oh so humbly ran the school.  (I hope you sense the sarcasm- I was not so humble)  I was one of the graduation speakers for Chariton High School, I know, cool, right?  (again with the sarcasm).  


I guess I fooled enough of my classmates into believing they would want to hear advice from me.  By the way, whoever thought that a high schooler was wise enough at that point to give advice was both a genius and an idiot.  I had know idea what I was talking about, but just thinking that I did gave me some maturity and confidence.  


I dug up my speech and I decided to share it with you guys, enjoy!


Class of 2006:

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. 

We sit here as the graduating class of 2006 that a pretty cool feeling huh?

I want to start off by saying that a great author once wrote

“Everyone has a tendency to condemn where they came from, but heaven can be found in unlikely places.”  

I wanted all of you to hear that because everyone of us make fun of this small town, but this community is tremendous.  It’s full of caring loving families and without the support and encouragement of all of you guys none of us would be here now.  

So class of 2006 can we give your family and your friends your teachers and coaches a round of applause.  You know they got you this far.  

Fear: anxiety caused by real or possible danger.

Fear, standing in front of 1000 plus people reading a graduation speech.

Fear is something that all of us are bound to have, some of us fear that.

Fear, that is what almost everyone sitting down here feels right now.

Fear about the future, fear about choices, fear of being held back, fear of obstacles, fear of failing, fear of tripping when you come up here to get your diploma.  Fear. 

Fear is a funny thing it is something that we are afraid of, weird huh?  We shy away of opportunities because we are afraid.  We pass up amazing chances because “What if?” what if I try and miss.

A lot of us have made friendships throughout highschool, memories that will last forever.  We are afraid of loosing those we love to be around, afraid we won’t stay in touch.  We are terrified of a change.

But, if there is anything that I have learned through all the sports that I have participated in, I learned that you can never say “I wish I woulda” well that’s not true, you can say it but you always feel so crummy when you do, because you don’t ever get a chance to do it again.  

You never have the opportunity to relive this exact moment, this second in time.  The past is set in stone you can’t go back and change anything. So you cannot allow yourself to say I wish I woulda.

Most of you might have noticed that I put up a sign in the media center about two weeks ago.  It asked the question ... what is your greatest fear?  The reason I put that up was to get you thinking although, seniorities kicked in early for some of you so you didn’t get much of that done.  But at any rate it was to get you thinking of you greatest fear.  

Fear of not making it to this day, fear of heights, fear of snakes, fear of not being loved by everyone.  When we let go of our fears we have accomplished something that most people will never accomplish.  We have gotten rid of the biggest obstacle in our life.  So many times people chalk their lives up to fear.  They say I could have done this, but I was afraid, I wanted to be a doctor, but I was afraid it would take to long, I was going to do something crazy, but I couldn’t because I was to afraid.  

No one knows how long our lives will be, god forbid something could happen when you walk out of this building today.  So keep in mind the fact that you only get to live once, and you can never say I wish I woulda.  

The reality is that the only thing to fear is fear itself.  And you only get one shot to make your life the best it can be, don’t let fear stand in the way of that.  

It was said that there are two ways to get into a pool.  You can standoffishly dip a toe in if you are afraid just to test the water.  But when you are not afraid you jump in with both feet.  That is how you have to live your life.

Now I want to leave you with a quote from Coach Carter. I’m sure many of you have heard this, and hope fully many of you will hear it again.  These words are words to live by:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure.  It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.  Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing enlightening about shrinking yourself so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We were all meant to shine as children do.  It’s not just in some of us it’s in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others.