A Shocking Post

I'm tired and I should really be sleeping...but I'm feeling a little reflective, or maybe it's just chatty...you decide.

A morning in my life:
Every morning my alarm goes off and every morning I hit the snooze and roll over for another 5 minutes.
Weird, I know.  I could very well just set my alarm for 5 minutes later and pop up the moment I hear that 'wonderful' noise aptly named alarm.  It's a mind game for me, I'm sure some of you can relate.

From there I stumble to my bathroom and try my hardest to not stub my toe or hit my head on the medicine cabinet.  For those of you who have lived with me, you can picture me doing these things with my hair sticking out of the side of my head and my eyes barley open to a squint.  I try to jump in the shower as soon after finding the hot/cold knobs as possible.

Now I'm awake and can go about getting ready for my day.

Part of this morning routine is breakfast while reading through a page in The Daily God Book.  Today’s page was about David…monumental man o’ God… messed up human… amazing story.

Here is the part that has resonated with me through my day; (David) Exhibit(ed) the shocking virtue of mercy.

Whoa!!!???  What!!!???  Time out!!

I don’t get it…what’s so profound about that?

This was my first thought, why is that so profound?  I think after a little time thinking however, I’ve pinpointed why I think it’s profound.

The language that is used is profound, listen; shocking virtue of mercy.

Why is it that today mercy is a shocking virtue?  Why does that have to be true of us?  Call me an idealist, but wouldn’t it be nice if it were commonplace to show and be shown mercy?

In the case of David, his life was being pursued by Saul.  Saul wanted him dead.  At one point in the story, Saul happened to stumble into a cave while in the desert.  It just so turns out this is the exact cave where David was hiding with his men from Saul (imagine the odds!).  Saul finds a rock in the corner and ‘relieves’ (snicker, snicker) himself.  David is so close to Saul while Saul is in this vulnerable situation, but instead of ending Saul(smacking him down like the hand of God), David cuts off a corner of his robe in order to show Saul that he is not out to harm him, but instead shock him with mercy.

David trusted God to work it out in His divine timing and what David didn’t know is that God was going to use that exact event to teach this dense girl from rural Iowa thousands of years later about mercy.  David not only showed Saul, the subject of his mercy, that we was merciful but he showed the men whom he was leader over that there is a place in this world for shocking virtues.  He showed me that there is a place in this world for shocking virtues.

I think about the people I interact with everyday and I see ideals ingrained into so many of us: look out for #1; you snooze, you loose; kick em while their down; it’s lonely at the top, etc..  Those things are the reason why it is a shocking virtue to show mercy.  It makes me sad that this is true.  It makes me sad that I buy into those ideals.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish it weren’t so shocking to do the right thing.

I hope that when someone (I don’t know who would ever do this) sits down and looks at my life, it’s shocking…in a good way.  :)

Pass/Fail

For those of you who have been worried sick about me, you can rest easy tonight, I'm feeling much better.  I'm happy to say my case of the bloggies is slowly dissipating and my case of the common head cold is also falling by the wayside.  By the way, I expected more get well bouquets and cards than I received.  I guess my suspicions about the validity of some of my friendships was confirmed.  :)

Today I did absolutely nothing (I think that is the reason I must be feeling better).  It was the best!  I took a long nap, watched Good Will Hunting and about 4 episodes of ANTM, ate left over brownies and watch my NCAA bracket crumble along with the rest of the entire nation.  It was awesome, aside from the crumbling bracket part.

I tried not to think of school much at all this weekend and I would have to say I was pretty successful in that endeavor until just a little bit ago.  This week is ITBS-WFH (standardized assessment week from h-e-double-hockey-sticks).  I'm nervous.  Even though I've been told a million times that the scores are not a direct reflection on me as a teacher...every teacher knows that is only partly true.

I've pushed my students, challenged them, covered a lot of material and fought tooth and nail along the way to get even the tinniest ounce of affirmation.

I feel like this week is the moment of truth.  I'm pushing them out of the nest to see if they can fly...I hope they don't fall flat on their faces, I would be devastated.

I don't really want to blog about school however, so I will attempt to relate this situation to something else that has a tendency to consume me(and is a little more light hearted)...basketball.  I played basketball for a coach in college who had a lot of really wise things to say...if I listened (sometimes I was that girl in the back of the huddle with a few other girls snickering at the color of the assistant coach's tie or something else obscure, tee hee hee).  I did, by chance, catch a few little tid-bits of wisdom and this is one of those:

There is no need to be nervous when you are confident that you have prepared well.

In the game of basketball of course that meant giving every ounce of effort for every moment you had to prepare, it meant seizing a vision and having a drive, it meant building on a foundation that you laid starting the very moment you committed to the team.

This seems like it could be an analogy not only for a teacher willing her students to learn, but also for something a little bigger.

Seizing a vision, having a drive, building on a foundation, committing; these can all be words that are just cliche, or they can be what you and I live.

I want to be the person who lives those things.

I don't want to go through the motions of the mundane and simple, I want my life to be me in training.
I want to be preparing well for something to come, grabbing ahold of a vision that is far bigger than I could ever imagine and committing to living that out in my life regardless of where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing.

It is so easy for me to get caught up on the pass/fail outlook.  Will my students pass or fail?  Will I get that job?  Did we have a winning season? Will I make the 'right' choice?  

...Earth to Anna...those are the wrong questions!

Are you preparing right now for that which is bigger than just pass/fail?

Bloggy

I'm feeling a little bloggy today.  That is kinda like froggy but only instead of very little coming out of your throat, there is very little coming out of your blog.

Here is the reason for my bloggy-ness; I'm feeling a little under the weather.  I've got a head cold going on and this doesn't mix well with track coach.

Regardless of my ills and woes, I'll overcome my bloggy-ness for some brief thoughts on friendship.

Can I just say...I really love my friends.

I was just thinking how blessed I am to be such close friends with so many people.  I have more than just one best friend...I'm not sure if that is allowed.  Then I have countless 'stand up in your wedding' type of friends (I'm going to need to have a BIG wedding!  I'm talking like wedding party of 20 + tee hee hee).  Then, there are those who go out of their way to encourage me and keep in touch, these are friendships that are so valuable and too numerous to count.

I don't mean to say this to brag about my sheer volume of friends...who knows, maybe the majority of whom I consider friends wouldn't consider me a friend.  ;)

The reason I'm feeling extra blessed today is because I rarely take the time to stop and think about how many people are constantly praying for me, giving me a pat on the back, loving on me, or just thinking about me.

I think one of the biggest blessings in my life has been my friends (topped only by my Savior and my family).  There to sit with me through heartbreak, to laugh with me through the best of sarcastic banter, to kick me in the rear when I need it, and best of all, there to share life with me.

I'm going to go take a nice heavy dose of some cold medicine now, I'm sure I'll be fine until the morning.  But if I'm not, I can count on a lot of people checking in on me.   :)

A Happy Day Post

I'm really pumped about the title of this post.  I'm pumped about it for a couple of really great reasons.

First of all, this is something my dad would say.  I remember coming down the stairs in the mornings to be greeted by my dad (usually in his underwear), eating a bowl of grass (fiber cereal).  He would simply say, "Happy Day!"

It always made my day.

Secondly, I'm pumped because today is a happy day.  I knew I couldn't keep my most recent post, a post of lament, when today was a good as it gets.

Here are the reasons for my happy day.

I woke up to my wonderful mom gently telling me it was time to roll out of bed.  My gorgeous niece with her Albert Einstein morning hair climbed into my arms for a perfect morning hug.  My nephew sleepily snuggled me while he yawned and slowly convinced himself to wake up.  I stepped outside into the fresh air in one of the most beautiful places on earth (our family farm).  The drive I was dreading was tolerable and gave me a good time to reflect on the events of the past week.  I got to catch up with some close friends on our ride back from the airport.  I took an amazing, amazing nap.  I had a good workout. I made a yummy dinner and cleaned my apartment.  Outside the birds were singing and it was one of those 'days like these are the reason I live in Iowa' days. Now I'm smiling just thinking about my happy day.

To most of you reading this, it may seem like a boring day in the life of Anna.  But, today was something that I needed, a happy day.

I've realized the reason for my happy day.  As most of you know, I went to a funeral of a good friend from high school this weekend.  It was rough.  During the service there were times when I lost it, but I was smacked upside the head by something that the pastor said (as if that wasn't enough, I was reading before my nap today and this hypothetical slap became a much intensified and reiterated punch in the head).  He was talking about the 'reason' why something like untimely death happens.  He said (something along these lines), Our God is not the God who promises sunshine and roses all the time, He is not the God who keeps you from hurt, pain, loss, or defeat.  Our God is the God who pushes, tests, and tears down.  He is the God who comforts, encourages, and builds up.  He is the God who walks with us through our hurt and pulls us up when we have our big day of suck.  Our God is the God of the death and the God of the resurrection, he is the God of despair and a God of hope, He is the God of my crappiest days and the God of a day like today.

Today was a happy day because I needed some reassurance that this God I trust and love still knows what I need, and I got that reassurance.

In honor of this happy day I'm going to leave you this picture....my dad eating his bowl of grass in his underwear...."Happy Day."

It makes me smile every time.  :)

Just OK

Did you ever have a bad day?  I mean a "all the big things are sucking" bad day?  One where you feel like you've lost all control so you just brush your teeth for a solid 5 minutes only to feel a fleeting sense of control over anything?

Well I had one of those today... I just got done brushing my teeth.

For those of you who have been keeping up with me and are wondering, I was rejected for a pretty good opportunity today (seems vague, I know and I'm sorry).  Mainly what you need to know is that rejection sucks in all circumstances, no doubt, but the reason I'm bummed about this particular rejection is not so much that I lost out on a great opportunity, but more because it leaves me with lack of direction.  Or so it feels right now.
I had this idea in my head that if this opportunity worked out I would have a plan, and by that I don't mean plan, I mean PLAN.   I felt like this could be an answer to a long rehashed, wrestle through the night, kinda prayer.
Sigh.
I'm sure it was an answer to that prayer, and I think that answer might be the almighty "Be still."
If you've read earlier posts you know my sentiments about this phrase.

Now for big suck numero dos.  I'm just beginning to be able to wrap my head around a huge tragedy that happened earlier this week.  A friend mine passed away early Tuesday morning.  Right now details don't matter but the point is she was too young to die.  Period.  I've been through a roller coster of emotions this week and now being able to sit down and think about this the only really discernible thought I have is that Melissa was too young, it's not fair.  Dang this sucks.

If these things weren't 'big suck' enough I have a bunch of school work to do, a crazy weekend schedule to balance, a whole bunch of traveling coming up (and not the fun kind) and then to top it all off... tonight I found out that someone has stolen my credit card number.  Sweet.

That one more thing is not really what I need...or maybe it is?

Hear me out, I don't need someone stealing my credit card.  However, I'm realizing that I do need things that remind me that I'm human.  I'm fragile.

For those of you who know me best, you know I don't like to think that about myself.  I want to be the girl who is strong in any situation and has advice or insight that can be comforting no matter what.

But here it is...I'm human, I'm broken, I'm mourning, I'm tired, I'm lost, I'm hurting, I'm fragile, and all those things are ok.

I'm not meant to carry what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Reaching my breaking point for just a few minutes reminds me that it is ok to be in this place of ruin.

I'm not writing this for sympathy or pity, if you would like somewhere to direct prayers I know the Norton family could you them far worse than I.  The reason I'm reflecting on this topic publicly is because I know that we all have days like this, it's a fact of life.

And that is ok.

I have confidence that I will find direction (maybe not in my timing), I will heal from hurt, I will catch up on sleep and work and I will write a very strongly stated letter to my credit card company.  :)  Those things will happen and the hope that is found in those things will push me forward from today.

And that is ok too.

To Be...or (Not to?)

I'm not motivated.

In fact, at this very moment I'm typing this blog in order to avoid several things.  Some of the more glaring things I'm avoiding right now: working out, cooking supper, cleaning my bathroom, putting away my laundry and making muffins for my favorite basketball team just to name a few.

I'm sure the reason I'm avoiding these things is not so much because I don't want to do them, but more I'm just tired.  Besides, I looked it up and you can burn 90 calories an hour just by sleeping---sign me up!!  I think a nap sounds WONDERFUL!

In that light, I guess the topic of this blog should probably be motivation then.  Ewww.  I don't want to write about motivation, it's so cliche...  Good thing I've learned that sometimes doing things we don't want to do makes us a little uncomfortable, a little stronger and a little wiser.
(And...maybe I'll burn a few extra calories attempting to put my own spin on writing about motivation...a girl can hope, right?)

Here is how I most often view motivation: kicking myself in the butt in order to strive after more.  So I guess that is where I should start.

Why am I wanting to get more?

(Insert long, reflective pause for dramatic effect)

This brings to mind a discussion that arose while I was at a book study with some lovely ladies: What is the difference between being and doing?

After some discussion this is the overarching message I walked away with.

Being- the act of presence
Doing- keeping busy

Oh snap!  (this would be me working through the uncomfortable in order to reach the stronger and wiser...it is also my way of illustrating those rare but oh so exciting light bulb moments)

Either being or doing are motives for our actions.

There is a huge difference between making my to do list for the purpose of getting more attention, more possessions, more friends, more clout, and making my to do list in order to be more present.

This sentence, as I read and re-read, is seeming more complicated than I intended.  What I mean to say is, you can plan things in order to be more or you can plan things in order to be more present.

I'm no expert at this by any means, refer to previous to do list.  However, I know that when I think about some of my very best memories, I think of the presence that was immeasurably enjoyable.

I think I could handle a life of being more in those moments rather than just doing those moments.

I guess now I'll go and be.  Maybe I'll enjoy a walk outside in the close-to-spring-like weather, or call up a friend and have a long overdue conversation about life...either way, I'll be all there.

Now that is motivation!

A Lil' Outside Inspiration

Today is Friday, Thank God For Fridays!  

If you've ever worked in a school setting you understand this phrase to its fullest meaning (no digs meant on those who don't work in the schools-if you would like to visit to see what I mean, just let me know). 

Don't get me wrong,  I love school.  I love teaching and there are amazing kids and co-workers I get to interact with.  I just really appreciate and understand the reason for weekends. :) 

So, now that it is the weekend and I have worked out for the night, shared some yummy Chinese take out with an awesome family just down the street and polished off some M&M's for desert I'm left wondering what to do.

Inspiration.  I need some sort of inspiration.  

Reflecting on the past couple of weeks I have been given some of this coveted inspiration in small doses by a good friend of mine.  Tonight, I was given just a little more.  In the interest of passing on this inspiration to all of you, I'd like to share.

This is a excerpt from an email that is actually an excerpt from a book that was cut and pasted and  forwarded to me by my great aunts dog sitter who is deaf in one eye and knows my childhood babysitter's grandma(only about half of this sentence is true).  

Read this with an open mind, don't even put yourself in my shoes.  Find how this can relate to your life where you are right now.

This is the thing: when you start to hit twenty-eight or thirty, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their twenties to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults.

And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging on to college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either.

Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like, Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?

These years will pass much more quickly than you think they will. Time will pass, and all of a sudden, things will begin to feel a little more serious. You won’t be old, of course. But you will want to have some things figured out, and the most important things only get figured out if you dive into them now.

Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.  

I am inspired by this passage.  The part that is most inspirational to me is the second to last sentence.  The writer has hit the nail on the head.  I want things to be figured out.  

I want God to lay this path ahead of me that is black and white.  I want Him to assure me that it is all figured out.  I want him to say, "Settle here... love these people... marry him... raise a family at this time... invest in this church..." 

But, and this is a big BUT, I don't get that.  

Instead I get, "Anna, be still."  

Just typing those words make me cringe a little.   I don't want to hear the words 'be still,'  I want God to just lay it all out.  I want my life to fall into place.  I want to feel like I'm building a home and investing in a community.  

But even more than all of those things, I want to trust God.  I know God's will for me isn't to have my life laid out in front of me to analyze, my life isn't up for negotiation nor is it something I can predict.  It's one of those things that I have to dive into before it will even be closed to 'figured out'.   

I would like to leave you all with the snippet I was given tonight that reminded me of what I shared above.

After a while you learn to build your hope on today because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans.  Yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

My First...Heartburn

Well this is it...my very first blog post.
I feel important, like my life has some how become more exciting just because I'm 'cool' enough to have my own blog.  I know, of course, that this is not the case.  I'm just as 'uncool' as I've always been, my life didn't somehow automatically become full of adventure and mystery.  Wouldn't that be rockin awesome, though?

Alright, I suppose that since this is a new thing I should probably explain some things.

First, the name?  It is basically as it sounds.  Why would I want a blog, I need one more thing to keep track of just as badly as I need a splitting headache.

Second, the picture?  In plain language, it's my favorite.

Third, what will I blog about?  The answer to this is yet a mystery to me.  I do know that I'm not a writer (my younger and wiser sister is the creative genius of the family) so this is very much outside of my comfort zone.  I guess the real reason that I have settled on this undertaking is because one of my very good friends asked me when I would start a blog of my own (instead of living vicariously through other amazing blogs).
The part that resonated with me most went something like this:
"What would I have to write about?"
"Share what is on your heart."

So I guess we'll see where this goes, I know my life isn't as exciting as some would care to read about and that is fine.  I don't plan on entertaining, I hope that I can encourage and enlighten those who read while learning and debriefing for myself.

As for what is on my heart at this moment...a little heartburn to be honest.  Uggghhh...uncomfortable. (Side note: I've not ever had heartburn in my entire life until about a week a go...how do people live like this?)
However, heartburn hasn't stopped me from thinking about surrender.  I got a chance to speak with a good friend from high school tonight.  We graduated from college at the same time and while I was lucky to find a full time teaching position, she resigned to subbing in our hometown (not her first choice).  Through out this last year I've had some phenomenal conversations with her about surrender.  What does it mean for her (and myself) to trust that God has it all under control and more so, what does it mean when he tells us no.  It's painful and one of the most frustrating things.  Simply, it sucks.

Tonight BO called me to tell me that she has informally been offered a job for next year (Yay!).  I can't tell you how happy I was to hear about this.  First I was happy because hey, it's a job...sweet deal!  But really as I listened to her explain how things happened and how she felt about this process I could hear her describe to me surrender.  God's hand was in the orchestration of it all along.  No doubt it was painful and we've all been in that situation, but the best part was that through surrender came something wonderful with perfect timing and a renewed sense of trust.