A Christmas Post

I love Christmas time.  I love the invisible joy that is floating around and sneaking inside people’s lives this time of year.  Christmas music makes me smile.  Christmas lights bring me joy.  Gingerbread house making and decorating the Christmas tree, sigh, are…great. :) I love Christmas time.

It’s so fun to get together with friends and family and I find myself looking forward to it every year.  This year is no different, I can’t wait! In my family Christmas has always been about family and about the reason we celebrate as a family.  I’ve always appreciated being able to go to church on Christmas Eve and sing songs of joy about the Savior that was given on a cold winter night.  It is the culmination of advent, the reason we have a Christmas to celebrate and I love it.

This could very easily turn into the ‘real reason for the season’ type of blog post but that’s not what I want to accomplish.  Instead I simply want to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas.  May they joy that is floating around find you celebrating with family and friends for all you have to be grateful for.


Merry Christmas!!

P.S.
One of my favorites, out of the mouths of babes:

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.  That is what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

A Guy

This is a weird thing for me to blog about, I didn’t know if I’d ever get to write this blog…or even really want to write I blog as cliche as what I’m about to write.  But--when I started this whole blog thing I said that the reason was for me to reflect and for me to write about what was on my heart.

If you are easily grossed out by affection, you can stop reading now... and feel free to keep your ‘puke!’ comments to yourself! :)

Here goes…

All my life I’ve prayed for a guy.  Not just any guy, a special one, one just for me.  I’ve prayed prayers of pleading and prayers of understanding, I’ve prayed prayers that asked for patience I’ve prayed that my controlling tendancies would be taken away from me.  There were moments when I prayed for a guy to show up at a specific time and have qualities A-Z on my list of non-negotiables.  But mostly I’ve trusted that God would provide and I continue to trust that God always provides for me.

Recently, well in the last 6 or so weeks, I seemed to have stumbled across a guy.  At first I was very unsure of the timing and even if I was ready to give anything a try (I can write this because he already knows how this all went down :)).  But I learned a very important lesson in the process of falling for this guy.  I’ve learned how much being in a relationship and choosing a relationship is not about controlling situations or checking things off a list or even second guessing anything.  I’ve learned that God is providing for me exactly what I’ve been praying for all this time: A guy.  A guy who loves the Lord. A guy who puts his family first.  A guy who adores me. A guy who can make me laugh for hours.  A guy who loves kids.  A guy who is humble and caring. A guy who would do anything for a friend.  Just a guy.

Since relationships are one of my favorite things I think that it would be terrible of me to not mention that I really love being in a relationship like the one I have with this guy.  I love having someone to call with good news.  I love choosing to make him a priority.  I love that he makes me a priority.  I love having him kiss me goodnight.  Hey, what can I say, we were made to be in relationships!

Anyway, I could go on writing about all of his great qualities and how he makes me feel all night but I have to get SOME sleep! :)  Either way, for those of you who are my caring friends and family who have always worried about me, know that I’m happy and however this ends up I’ll be a better person for choosing a relationship with this guy.

Relationships…One of My Favorite Topics :)

It’s all about relationships…


Have you ever thought about this: A person can say they are ah-mazing, they can gloat and show off, they can tell you all the great things they are about and all the wonderful things they do… And you can believe them.


But.


If someone who knows them well, or even someone who doesn’t know them well tells you something about that person, it sticks with you.


Testimonies about a person have impact.  They have even more impact when they aren’t solicited and when they are coming from someone who has nothing to gain in the situation.  


The whole reason I was thinking about this was because for Bible study this week I went through John chapter 5.  The second part of chapter 5 is Jesus saying-I know that I can testify about myself BUT things will be much more clear if you hear it from someone else, it just makes it more real.


Isn’t that so flipping true about any person in almost any situation??? 


Now, here  is where I get the whole relationships notion.  God is so frickin smart-- it’s all about relationships! We are designed by God to be in relationship and to be impacted by one another. Relationships are a blessing and they are the only thing that matters. God obviously knew this and along with that He knew that those relationships were what was going to spread Jesus and His love. 

It makes you think…what would I say/write about myself and my life. Is that near as impactful as what other people would say/write about me? … And does it really even mater as long as I’m using my relationships to have the right kind of impact?


I love people, I love being in great relationships with people.  I hope that my relationships, new and old, can testify to who I am as a person and mostly that I point to who Jesus is.  

Father God, I’m thankful for the people you have blessed me to be in relationship with. Thank you for their insights, for their challenges, for their encouragement and for their love. Lord, I pray that we can be a testimony to the world about how each of us has impacted each other in a major way. I pray that even more-so that the impact we’ve had has been because of the love that you first showed to us. Amen.

What is waiting...

Rivers are a funny thing.  Strong and steady, they seem almost unchanging.  But as Pocahontas puts it, ‘you can’t step in the same river twice, it’s always changing always flowing’.

Can you tell I watched Pocahontas today?? :)

The message I picked up on was a message of excitement.  We never know what is waiting-just around the river bend.

The question is, will we take ahold of this excitement and actually go around the river bend?
Hey, why not?

This seems like a fun and exciting life to lead, but there is more to it.  You see to be safe, we loose the chance of ever knowing what exciting is coming around the river bend…but we are safe.

Safety v. Adventure?  What a conundrum…

This epic question was the pivot of Pocahontas' life and I have to say that I’m not sure it’s as pivotal in mine, but still a question that I wrestle with.

There are things in my life that are comfortable, and I like them.  I feel safe.  I feel comfortable being independent and safe when I’m with my family.  I feel comfortable when I’m teaching and coaching and I’m safe around my friends.

However, I’m not the type of person to stay safe within those things for long.  Uncomfortableness and uneasiness and a lack of safety are necessary for finding out what is coming next around the river bend.  This seems like it could be equated to some huge life changing career move or picking up all my things and going across country, however.  I’m thinking on a little smaller scale.  I’m safe and steady where I am, but I’m excited and looking for adventure here.  I’m looking for a bend in the river in this place.  Those bends could be all kinds of adventures.  Things like pushing myself to be a better teacher and coach, investing in new relationships, meeting exciting people, even something as small as trying a new work out :).

I love tradition and routine and things that are comfortable, but just around the river bend there are things that make me uncomfortable--and it’s so good for me! It’s exciting and challenging and a great new adventure.

Refreshingly Exhausting

The title of this post says it all.

Those two words are the best description of my weekend I can find.  So good. Sooo tired.

After a long week at school I rushed to meet up with the basketball team and make the trek to Marshall. MN for a scrimmage.  It was a good experience and our team is getting better.  We as coaches are finding things we can improve on overall, competing is really good for us.  After that late night we had a fun Saturday ahead.

The anual alumni game!!! :) So much fun for alumni, not as much fun for current players.  The alumni game is tough, it’s the fun friendly competition that we as alumni get to enjoy... and maybe smack talk a little… but it’s serious and used as an opportunity to get better for the current players.  I remember as a player how hard it was to take the game serious all the time, especially when your playing against some of your best friends and they are goofing around.

Lucky for me--I’m old.  So I got to goof around, which is way more my style :).

Anyway, that wore me out!  Not to mention the JV had a scrimmage that I coached and coaching is just as mentally exhausting as playing is physically exhausting.

Then comes the refreshing part.  The nature of the alumni game is so that alumni come back!!!  And it just so happens that all the girls that I graduated with (just 2) and all the girls who were juniors when I graduated came back to play! :) We were "reunited and it felt so goooood…”.

Naturally, after the game I invited al the girls over for pumpkin carving and to hang out for a while.  Us old fogies were ready to turn in by 10:30, but we pushed through.  And it was oh so worth it!

As tired and sore and just plain exhausted as I felt this morning, I had a sense of renewal.  It’s amazing what good conversation and day filled with laughter can do for a person.  Remembering stories and catching up and even sharing little pieces of our souls was accompanied by even more laughter and some delicious fall treats.  It’s been around 2 and a half years since all us were in the same place and able to share life, we’ve all grown up in different ways, which is really fun to see.  It’s funny how even though we’ve all changed, we can still come together like no time has pasted.  Sharing that time may be rare, but it’s perfect.

FREAK OUT!!!!

My baby sister is engaged!!!

This actually happened a couple weeks ago, but this weekend was the first time I got to see her and my future brother in law since the big news broke.

We’ve been talking a wedding for the two of them for a little while now, so it wasn’t exactly a shock.  Which I think is good, I mean, I think I would want some sort of heads up before I get asked a question like that. :)  But, since we had been talking wedding for a while, I feel like on some level Maggie missed out on the fresh excitement and gravity of this amazing event.

You only get engaged once(hopefully) and it should be something special and celebratory.

Shortly after the news, I received a letter in the mail.  Maggie asked my to be her MOH, of course after she accepted my list of demands I said yes! :) (I really did have a list of demands--all in good fun).

All of this brings me to why I’m writing.  This weekend when I got to see them for the first time, I gave them hugs and said congratulations and welcome to the family, I looked at the ring and we talked weddings all weekend.  But I didn’t do the MOH freak out.  I didn’t jump up and down with her and scream when I saw the ring.  I didn’t tackle her the moment I saw her, like I always thought I would.

I didn’t realized I had failed my MOH duties of the initial freak out until hours later.  What was I thinking?  The truth is I’m so, so happy for them.  They are perfect for each other and I’m so excited to celebrate with them.  Steve and Mag have so many great things in their future and I can’t even tell you how excited I am to see that all play out.  I’m excited to get the phone call that she got her dream job and he graduated.  I’m excited to meet my future nieces and nephews.  I’m excited to watch their marriage grow.  I couldn’t be happier for them.  How could I not want everything wonderful in the world for my baby sister?  I do.  She knows that.

So consider this my MOH freak out!!!!!!! yay!!!! yipeeee!!!! bam sucker!!!!whoop!!!!whoop!!!! Dang, Look at THAT RING!!!! :)

I’m also considering this the last of my apologies (I have already apologized face to face and over the phone) and the first of letting everyone know how truly excited I am to be a witness to what will be an enduring relationship.  I couldn’t be happier to see my mom’s wedding ring on the finger of my best friend and baby sister.

The Stars

There are days when I sadly forget the amazing glory revealed to us through the night.  Stars.  Beautiful reminders of a God so big and creation so beautiful.

This song popped into my head very randomly today.  I love this song and I can’t help but love the lyrics: “Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love, and it serves to remind me that what I have means nothing at all.”

I’ve never in my life felt so loved and so small, than when I look up at the sky and see the stars.  Stars that were hung for me.  What a gift to know that the Glory of the Lord is around us and we are enveloped by a God so big. I’m grateful for the stars in the night sky and the many stars in my life.

It’s Been Awhile

So it has been a while since I’ve blogged.  Sorry!

I’m usually better, but lately I’ve been busy-not uninspired.

Lately I’ve been busy with school, and we have started basketball, and I’ve been a little sick, not to mention going home for the homecoming weekend, and hanging out with my darling niece and nephew, and rekindling friendships from high school at my 5 year class reunion.  Oh and not to mention…MY BABY SISTER GOT ENGAGED!! It was kinda a special thing because the wedding set that her and her fiance picked out was built from my parents wedding set. It’s sentimental :).

All this aside I wanted to reflect on something that happened this weekend.  Friday night the Chariton High School Class of 2006 had a little pre reunion get together.  In the midst of reminiscing about stupid decisions and spontaneous adventures something out of the blue happened.  One of the guys I graduated with sat down next to me and started talking to me about all kinds of things.  It started with what he was up to and how his family had changed but then it took a turn.  He started to talk to me Christianity.

Sitting in that moment I was awed at how God’s timing was working in my life.  He put me in that place at that exact time for that exact conversation.  God is so big and God is so good.  I was humbled and knew I didn’t have anything of worth to say to him, but I could see that he was searching, he was really looking for some reassurance.  God trusted me enough to let me be the person in his life at that moment.

After leaving that conversation I felt so excited to see God’s hand, but at the same time I felt like I was not  prepared for that situation.  I am convinced that moments like that are the reasons I need to challenge my self to be a student of the faith I claim.

In that moment it was obvious to me.  I wish a couple days prior to that conversation I had had that epiphany, but I didn’t.  There is no time like the present to make priorities really a priority.

Beloved

Today I went for a little jog, which felt good because it was perfect running weather.  On my run I quickly realize that I grabbed my roommates ipod by mistake instead of mine.  This isn’t that big of a shocker considering we have identical ipods and lay them both on the same spot on the counter- you’d think we would have a system for this :)

When I was close to being done with my run, a song came on that I don’t think I’ve heard before.  It started out with a classical feel and then the lyrics began.  It went something like this, “…sometimes at night I lay under the moon and thank God I’m breathing…”  This one line was all I needed to realize something.

I am beloved.

One of girls (shout out Sam!!!) on the basketball team I help coach shared with me last weekend that she was really discovering what it means to be beloved.  She gave really great insight and I think I realized that was part of me  putting together a bunch of pieces to a big puzzle that spells BELOVED.

So, what does that mean.  In the simplest terms it is that I can lay under the moon and thank God I’m breathing.  Nothing in me deserves that, nothing.

It means that I am forgiven and that I am a child who is loved immeasurably even when I don’t deserve it.

I think I’ve been showed what it means to be beloved in times of blessing, especially a lot lately.  I’ve had so many things in my life ‘fall’ into place and be exactly what I needed.  So much good has been entrusted to me.  I’m blessed and grateful for that.

I think, however, that the hardest thing that I’ve come to realize is that I’m beloved even when I’m not in the midst of those blessings.  I’m loved and cherished and held close even when I’m hurt, even when I’m tired, even when I don’t get that job I wanted, even when I loose someone I love, even when I am humbled, even when my heart is breaking.

I’m beloved.

I’ve found that beloved is not conditional and it is not earned.  I’ve found beloved is best treated as a gift.  When I’ve received that gift, I know where I stand even when I fall short.


Beloved,
    I have permanent residence with you.  I am with you and encircle you all day long.  I am at home when we are together.
                         I love you,
                                Your Father

Invitation to the Thirsty

Have you ever been really, really thirsty?
I mean like, ‘I’m going to die if I don’t get some water in my cotton dry mouth in the next 5 seconds,’ thirsty?

Some of you may be thinking, ‘yea, I’ve needed a drink before.  Last Thursday I could really use a margarita.’

This is not the thirst I’m talking about.  I’m talking about running a marathon without drinking any water for 2 days before and all throughout the race.  So thirsty it’s like torture.

I have been almost that thirsty before.  It happened on a hot afternoon in Las Vegas this summer.  I didn’t think much of it at the time, but man it makes for a great illustration now.  I wasn't even working out or anything, it was just so dry and my lips wanted nothing more than water, sweet, clear, refreshing water.

Tonight the chapter I found to read in my Bible was entitled Invitation to the Thirsty.  The title alone got me thinking about the concept of being thirsty.  This passage is an invitation for all who are thirsty to come and drink even if they have no money to pay for their drink.  This could be taken literally as an example of service we can have to other, or it can be taken as a metaphor for drinking in the person of Christ free of charge.  Both- good points.

I was thinking more along the lines of thirsting after Jesus when the realization of the severity of the word thirst hit me.  I’ve heard several times about hungering after Jesus and to be honest I’m not sure many of us (especially me) can really relate to being really, really hungry.  But I’ve been really, really thirsty before.  I’ve been so thirsty that all I can think about, all I can talk about and all of my energies are spent on finding water.

Is that the kind of pursuit Christ is asking for from us?

Not to much later, in that same chapter of Isaiah (chap 55-by the way) it says, “…it will not return to me empty...”  Is that referring to the drink that is being offered?  I think it just might.  When we are thirsty and have nothing to give in exchange for a drink, a drink is offered to us and to go one step further, that drink does exactly what it sets out to accomplish, it does not return empty-it quenches whatever thirst we might have.

This seemingly insignificant illustration of being thirsty accomplishes feats too big for me to even imagine, if only we would quench our thirst.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Saturday morning cartoons.  You know that it is during the school year when sleeping in is still up early enough to catch the Saturday morning cartoons.  This morning my favorite was The Magic School Bus. :)

Yup, school.  It has begun.  And can I just say, Ah-mazingly.  I’m not sure if it’s just the second year teacher in me or some combination of my new experiences but the way this year has started is a breath of fresh air.  I’m so happy.

In a lot of ways I’ve dreaded the summer ending and I’ve blogged about my summer so I’m sure you all can understand why.  However, the routine is much welcomed and being back in the classroom just feel so right.  Sigh.  I can’t even explain it, I’m sure all you teachers out there can relate.

On top of school getting off on a great foot.  I’ve been surrounded by some pretty great people.  Someone who I would consider very wise once told me that it’s all about relationships.  I believe him.  I’ve come to discover that life is so much sweeter when you have people to share it with and even more sweet when you build deep, vulnerable, reverberating relationships with those people.

Not only does it make life much sweeter, but it also makes life a little easier when the tough stuff is happening.

I have a really close friend who is going through some ‘tough stuff’ now and I got a chance to talk with her a little this week.  Since we talked she has been on my heart.  I hate seeing her hurting and not being herself.  For me, the hardest thing in the whole world is to see hurt and not be able to fix it.  That is something that is just typical of me.  When I’m upset with someone or something I want to fix it right away, when a friend is hurt I want to fix it, when a relationship falls apart I want to pick it up and glue it back together.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

I saw the curse side of it this week.  Despite how great my week was, I still had my friend in the back of my mind.  There was nothing I could do to ‘fix’ anything.  I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it.

As I kept thinking about this I can’t help but know somewhere deep down that I’m not supposed to be able to fix everything all the time.  It’s something that I’ve been forced into a couple times in my life.  Not everything will always get better, somethings aren’t meant to.  Somethings are meant to be broken for a reason.  Maybe that reason is growth, maybe that reason is a realization maybe that reason is to bring together other relationships.  It may take a while to figure out the reason things have to break sometimes, but they do.

And sometimes all you can do is sit there with a friend and cry.  All you can do is say a little prayer and be an encouragement.  Sometimes all you can do is accepted that you can’t fix it and watch a few more saturday morning cartoons with one of those really good friends.

It’s a lesson I’ve HATED to learn but it’s a lesson that I’ve had to learn, a lesson that has refined who I am.

A Little Heartbreak Is Not Always Bad

My tonight was scripted by God.  It was like the evening flowed perfectly from his pen into my reality.

I knew I needed to blog about tonight just so I could remind myself why exactly I blog.  Lately I’ve blogged in order to share little updates of my life, but tonight is different.  Tonight is the reason I blog.  Something was put on my heart.

Tonight I was productive, I got to do things I wanted to do, things I like to do.  I got to cook and run and do laundry (I only like the feeling of this being done, not really doing it).  And to top it off I got to have my heartbroken a little.

I was invited a while back to a thing called Harp and Bowl.  It is a praise and worship service that a friend of a friend of mine helps to lead and it was suggested that I check it out.  So tonight I decided that since it was a pretty informal deal I would go for a run and end my run at the church and take a little peek in.

The topic of tonight’s harp and bowl was Healing.  Healing is something powerful, I’ve experienced it first hand.  But tonight wasn’t so much about my healing.  The service was exactly what I was hoping.  It was amazing musicians sharing spirit filled songs of healing while people could come and go, sing along, read, spend time in prayer and intercede for others.

I decided that while I could always use healing, tonight I was there to participate as I felt led and be in prayer for others.  That is about when my heart started to break.  A girl stood to share her testimony and with passion and zeal she proclaimed Isaiah 61 and it’s indisputable power of us.  Beauty from ashes, strength from fear.  She shared her story, she was married to a man she fell in love with at 18.  By the time she turned 25 she was a widow.

There is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing a 20-something widow share of immeasurable pain and heartache, share total devastation and see the hurt when she described not having the strength to get out of bed.  There is nothing more humbling than to think of my lack of faith in Christ’s healing power when I heard a 20-something widow share the power of the cross and the victory over death that gives her strength to put one foot in front of the other everyday.

My heart broke for her.  My heart broke hearing what she endured, and then I was reminded of the amazing hope in the situation.  She was being healed.  She was putting one foot in front of the other, she was choosing the life that Christ had in mind for her.

With that in mind, it gave me hope for the people in my life who are in need of healing.  I guess maybe a little heartbreak can be a good reminder.

The Best Thing I Ever Ate

Do you watch the food network???

I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me!

When I’m anywhere close to cable TV I have it flipping between the Food Network, and ESPN…a weird combo, I know!

One of my favorite shows (I have a lot when it comes to the Food Network) is called The Best Thing I ever Ate.  If you have not seen the show, let me enlighten you.  It is where famous chefs and food personalities share what foods they really, really love.  What foods are the best things they have ever eaten!  They have different themed shows sometimes things like The Best Thing I Ever Ate- Cheesy Edition or Sweet Treat Edition, or Appetizer Edition…you get the idea!

So, I decided to do my own version of The Best Thing I Ever Ate- Summer Version.  I have a couple things that I would like to share…so, so yummmmmmmy!!!!!

The Best Thing I Ever Ate…

…Breakfast

My Version of the filling for Breakfast Burritos

I’m not sure if it was just the company I held, the setting or if this really was the best breakfast I’ve ever eaten, but my choice for breakfast is an Amazing Traditional Breakfast Burrito from this cute little place in downtown Cedar Rapids, IA (forgive me for not remembering the name-I think it was new).  Oh my goodness!!! It was amazing.  A warm homemade tortilla, soft and chewy.  Scrambled eggs, light and fluffy.  Bacon, sweet and smokey.  Potatoes, hearty and seasoned in bacon grease.  Cheese, ewwey and gooey and num..num..num.  It was delicious!  Simple and hearty and sooo unhealthy but sooo yummy!  I attempted to recreate these delicious treasures and didn’t do half bad…however I still have yet to make homemade tortillas.

…Dinner

Iowa Sweet Corn- Doesn’t get any better!

I think that last night was the BEST dinner I’ve had all summer.  Let me set the stage for you; A glass of wine, a grill, a beautiful night, fresh produce, and a best friend to giggle and reminisce with.  PERFECT!  On the menu was grilled, marinated pork loin, roasted garden potatoes (thanks to my sister and her green thumb!), fried green beans and fresh sweet corn (thanks to the stand on the side of the road--best way to get sweet corn in the summer).  Summer deliciousness!  Everything was cooked perfectly.  The fresh green beans had a little yummy crisp from being sautéed with bacon.  The potatoes were perfectly crisp on the outside and seasoned with bold olive oil.  The corn was fresh and of course went perfectly with a little butter.  This meal was basically my childhood wrapped up into a meal!  …and the reason I love Iowa in the summer!

…Sweet Treat

Almond Patty Courtesy of Casey’s Bakery

So, I recently moved to a Dutch community.  Greatest thing about Dutch communities=Dutch Bakeries! :)  I successfully made it through 4 years of college in a Dutch community without eating an ALMOND PATTY, but I made up for that within a week of living in Sioux Center.  How do I even begin to describe this…it is the most delicious pastry I’ve ever eaten!  It is flakey, buttery pie crusty goodness with caramelized and slightly crunchy sugar on the outside.  And then the filing….oh the filling!  It is almondy, buttery, melt in your mouth, heaven on earth.  I don’t even know how to do this little treat justice and if you’ve never experienced this treat, you must!

So there you have it! My Best Thing I Ever Ate  list is complete…for now!  My suggestion to you would be to find yourselves these amazing eats and then treat yourself, or even make your own list of Best Things You’ve Ever Eaten!  However, if you are going to do this, make sure you share these yummy bites with people you love.  My favorite part about cooking and eating is sharing that time with amazing people.

Bon Appetite!

Getting Busy

It’s thunder storming outside and there is Friends on the TV… a perfect ending to a productive day.

Well…it was mostly productive, however I have a little something I need to admit.

Don’t judge me!

Today I bought cleaner from a door to door salesman…there, I said it...I can hear your long sigh of disapproval from here!!!

I feel like I got dooped but the guy was just so nice and he showed me all of the great things it could do and it was ONLY 40 bucks…Now I can hear your chuckle of relief that it wasn’t you.  Hey, it went to a good cause, he told me it was going to support inner city youth.

I’m a sucker!

Anyway, let us not allow that to overshadow all the great things that I did today.  I worked out details for my coaching endeavor at NWC and did a little work with that.  I took a great nap.  I read my favorite part of Anna Karenina. Weeded and Pruned my front yard.  Grilled a great supper and did some school work.  Ahhhh….the feeling of accomplishment! :)

The reason I’m blogging now is really because I feel like I need to take some time to do this while I still have the time.  One of the things I accomplished today was writing in a bunch of dates in my planner.  It filled up quite quickly!!!

I think I decided that I like being busy.  Some people may be able to relate, some not so much.  I think it all started in high school.  I was one of those people who was involved in everything…all at once!  College didn’t slow down and being a teacher and coach has fit into that lifestyle nicely.

This summer has been exactly the opposite of that.  I’ve had time to do what I want, read what I want, make my own schedule and drop everything to go visit friends.  It’s been great…and really weird.    Living like that is something I think everyone should experience and it really has been really fun.  But I’m ready to get back to the life of schedules, middle schoolers and grown-up mail.

I’ll try to post some updates on my new adventures regardless of my rapidly filling schedule.  :)

Summer Nights

The last two nights have been two of my favorite nights all summer.

Let us start with last night. 

My final road trip of the summer took me to the rebuilding city of Cedar Rapids where I found one of my favorite married couples.  They hosted me for the evening and we did some serious catching up.

  To describe the night for you lets start with walking up to their apartment.  These good friends live in a tree house above a garage (aka a quaint well decorated apartment above a garage and beautiful trellis overflowing with greenery and flowers). It was spectacular! When I got there we got busy catching up and soon found some amazing food waiting in the kitchen.  We ate to our hearts content and drank some delicious wine frome a local winery.

After dinner we made our way downtown to a cute coffee show for a poetry reading.  I have to say here that I've not ever been the poetry reading type but there ws some quality stuff being shared and I really enjoyed the humor of the eldest reader (his first poem was entitled the A-bomb vs. the F-bomb).  On the way home from there we drove around a little and I got a glimpse into the urban life being tamed by this fantastic couple.  When we got back we grabbed some sangria and sat out on the deck.  This was my favorrite part of the trip.  We got to sit surrounded by beautiful plants gleaming in the twinkling low lights and just talk.  I can't tell you how much I've missed moments like that in the last year.  Those are the time when you get real and really learn about each other.  It's my favorite.

(side note- we woke up Sat am and went to an amazing farmer's market, it was huge and so much fun...minus the rain) :)

Ok, now on to last night.

I made the short drive from CR to Dubuque hung a right and ended up in the bustling historic town of Galena IL.  My Aunt and three cousins live on top of a hill overlooking the historic shops of downtown. 

The day was filled with yummy sushi, catching some rays at the pool and gofling the back nine with my cousin (we got some much needed coaching along the way...well at least it was much needed for me, my cousin is decent.  By the way if you're wondering since when did I golf, this has become a recent obsession of mine). 

Now to my favorite part. We got home from the course about 9 so we decided to grill for supper.  My aunt whipped up some drinks and worked here magic in the kitchen (she is the best cook I know and trust me that says a lot!).  I got to sit out in the yard and watch the dog while she was bustling arour preparing a summer feast.  As I was sitting there I though back on my perfect day and smelled the summer smells of fresh cut grass and charcoal and I thought to myself. I've not been this content in a long time.  I thiink the combination of a great day, great family, summer smells, great conversation and fresh delicious food put me in a nostalgic mood.  Those are the things I remember and cherish from growing up.  It's a simple midwestern life and some of you may not understand, but it has become one of the most important thing to me.

My hope in posting this is to share with  you, my faithful blog readers, a little of what I love.  It may be oddly specific but it's all about that combination of oddly specific things that make life beautiful to me.  I hope that very soon you too can get with your friends and family and revisit what summer nights mean to you.

Oh...and hurry up, it's already mid AUGUST!!!!!

July 26

I only have 9 minutes until July 26 is over.
Today seems like a very ordinary, un-special day.  And it is in a lot of ways.
However, this day exactly four years ago changed my life forever.

If you guys don’t mind, I’m going to take a moment to remember just a little.

I miss his strong hands.
I miss his smile.
I miss the way he would give me a hug every morning and rub my back.
I miss how he would play basketball with me, even though he was a wrestler.
I miss his scratchy beard.
I miss they way he used to say, “Huh…” whenever he didn’t know how to respond to something.
I miss him teaching me how to change the oil in my car.
I miss long drives to and from school with him.
I miss seeing him cheer me on.
I miss what he stood for.
I miss how he could be in the most random place and still find someone he knows.
I miss how he would snuggle my nephew.

I miss him more than I ever thought I could.

It’s now July 27.

The One With a HOUSE!

For those of you who are unaware, I’ve moved!  Although it was hard to leave great friends and a great community I have not ever been more excited to start another chapter of my life.  The decision to leave C was a tough one and there are some people I’m going to miss so, so much however, after the decision was made, I know I will be blessed and grow immensely in my new situation.  So here I am in SC!  Oh, by the way I’ll be teaching 7th Math and we’re still working on what capacity I’ll be in when it comes to coaching (some great opportunities are opening up).

So, without further ado, I give you…MY NEW HOME!

Cute little thing!  :)

I lucked out with an amazing tree in my front yard.

My first grilling experience ever!  It took me a little while to get the hang of it which will probably shock most of you.  :) Especially those of you who know that during the summers growing up we grilled at least once a day all summer long.

My perfect little kitchen.  It is the first part of my house I unpacked! (I’ll work on those curtains!) :)

Hall/Bathroom. For those of you trying to figure out the lay-out, this is where the previous picture was taken from (kitchen table is directly behind me).

Excuse the mess!  Living room, tons of natural light! :)

Perfect book shelf that I love right by the front door.

Soon to be office

My bedroom…needs a little touch of life!

I’ve still got some work to do, but it’s shaping up to be a great little home.  Thanks to those who helped move/pack/store/house me during my homelessness :).

Control. Again.

Control.

That is the word of the day.  I’m not very fond of that word of the day mainly because as mentioned in some of my former posts,  I struggle with it.

I was a control freak in high school and in some ways a lot of my college years.  I finally gave up some control miraculously for some amounts of time later in college, but this insatiable need for control keeps creeping back in.

Monday I had a rotten morning.  It was a culmination of everything that I was worrying about not going right.  I had a reservation for a trailer that was falling through, my email wouldn’t work, I couldn’t figure out an account on my computer, I haven’t heard out of someone I needed info from in about a week and I told my sister I’d ride along with her to a job interview an hour and a half away…and we needed to leave in the midst of all of this.

My solution to all of these problems: Chuck my laptop down on the couch and march out the door, throw my phone to the floor board in the car and pout.   Yup, I threw a grown-up’s tantrum.

My sister knows me pretty well and waited until we were about 20 min. in to the drive before she even asked if I was ok.  I said yes quickly and then she knew I needed another 10 or so minutes.

Finally she sensed it was alright to talk to me and told me she knew it was more than just one thing that upset me.  So I spilled it all, all the things that were bugging me and ticking me off.   She casually said to me, “yea, but none of those things are in your control.”

That is when I realized it.  I could do nothing about it.  Those things were out of my control.

Why does my much younger sister always have to be much wiser too???? :)

After I took a deep breath and muttered a little prayer things settled back down.  In fact things worked out for all of my issues by 3 o’clock that afternoon.  It was a relief, but at the same time that relief came I realized that I didn’t deserve that relief.  The way I approached the situation was not how I normally work, is it possible that at some point everyone needs to throw a tantrum?  What if things didn’t work out by 3 o’clock?

Monday night as I was saying a little prayer I thanked God for my sister.  I thanked Him for putting the right words in her mouth and for being on her heart.  I told him I was sorry and that I know he is in control.  I hate when I fight what He is planning.  Then I got myself in maybe a little over my head, I asked God to help me to continually give up control.

I have a feeling that there will be many more blog posts to come that have to subject matter of control.

Pool Side Life Lessons

It’s a little bit weird for me to be blogging right this moment because, well, I’ve already gone to bed for the night.  I’ve crawled into bed and shut my eyes tight and hoped to slip away into wonderful dreams.  However, as the reel of my day played through my mind, I was inspired awake.  I couldn’t sleep I was so inspired.  It’s kinda annoying, but I guess it makes for some good, non-forced, blogging.

First off, I haven’t blogged for a while so I’ll update the lot of you on my life.  I’ve been homeless for the last oh, about 3 weeks.  It’s been a good homeless, I’ve been on the many couches of my sisters, my friends and my mom (ok to be slightly less dramatic- my mom has a spare bedroom).  :)  I’ve been keeping busy finishing up my string of weddings, coaching at basketball camp, catching up on being an Aunt, visiting family and being the most lazy I’ve EVER allowed myself to be.  It’s been kinda great, I don’t know if I want to go back to being a teacher… jk, but really, if bum were a full time occupation that paid well and got benifits-whew! Sign me up! :)

Now to the ‘I can’t even sleep I’m so inspired’ part of my post.

Today while doing my 'Aunt Nanna of the year' duties I found myself playing a little game with Miss Willow(see right).
We devised a system for the pool.  You see, the first few times in the water were a little rough for Willow.  She would clench her legs tightly around my waist and hold on with a death grip, she was nervous of this unknown feeling, a swimming pool.  Then once MeeMaw was in and she could see that there was no real danger, she slowly loosened her grip.  Gradually she was able to play on the steps in the shallow part of the pool without me or MeeMaw holding her.  Here comes the part where we played our little game.  Willow would count, “one, two, free!” and then jump into my arms.  Then we would swim out a little ways with her in my arms and she would say, “Back to my stef, back to my stef!”  (for those of you not fluent in two year old, that means take me back to my step, now!).  Then she would wave bye-bye, give me a kiss and hug and I would pretend to be going on an extended journey.  Then I’d hear her cry out, “One, two, free!” and before I knew it the whole game would start over again and she would jump into my arms.

This seems like something cutsie and trivial but something that my dad once told me made me stop and think for a moment.  He said to me, “Anna, if you can’t appreciate the expressions a kid makes, what do you really have in life?”  I decided when my dad said this that A: He was a very wise man who loved kids a whole lot; B: I love kids a whole lot too; and C: He was right, you can learn a lot from kids.   I realized as I played back that fun little charade with Willow that her expressions spoke loudly to a piece of life.  As Willow jumped for the first time into my arms there was an expression of nervousness and wonder.  Little by little she got more and more brave.  She jumped further and into deeper water and sometimes she jumped even when I wasn’t quite all the way back to where I was ready to catch her.  Her expression gradually turned from fear into exhilaration, trust and adventure.  It was a progression I hope I never forget.

In my life, I like the idea of being able to jump.  I like the idea of going deeper and trusting more and more with each leap.  It’s hard, but when I think of the look on Willow’s face, the look of pure joy, I can’t help but think that it is worth it.

Freedom

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

Freedom.  What does freedom really mean to you?
I remember be so excited when I finally left for college for the first time.  Finally I was going to have real freedom!
I remember running the other night on the gravel road by our farm and seeing a field full of fire flies.  That felt like freedom.
I experienced a joyous freedom when the final bell rang on the last day of school this year.
Living on your own-ultimate, eat ice cream at 1 in the morning, freedom.
Those are all things that I perceived as illustrating freedom.

But what does it really mean to be free?  Does it mean we are without consequence, or without guidance perhaps?

I think that while some people believe those things to be true, they are far from truth (this is probably a matter for another post).

Galatians 5 speaks to this matter of freedom.  It tells us that we are not called to indulge in the nature of our freedom, but instead to use our freedom to make the decisions that are tough, the decisions to love and to serve.

Whoa!!! That is quite the calling there.  We are supposed to use our freedom to choose service.  We are given the ability to be free but for those who have received the calling, we give up that freedom for a life of service and a life of love.

I’m sure that many of you are thinking of several different ways you are considered free on this independence day.  And you are probably even considering how important those things are to you.  While you do that, while you consider the blessing of freedom in it’s many forms, consider freedom as a calling.  And then act on that calling.

This Change in Me

I'm in vegas now.  I decided there was no better time to blog than when I'm sitting in an airport for an hour waiting on flights. :)

This also means I'm writing this blog on my phone so bear with the typos, the keyboard is seeming much smaller than I initally thought.

As for what is on my mind these days...well to be honest, a whole host of things.  I'm thinking about saying goodbye to a community and school district, finding a place to live in a new community, how different I am from my family (not bad different), how much I'm looking forward to quality time with quality people I miss, catching my connecting flight and finally how much living by myself has changed me.

I think that last thought is the one that has been creeping up on me the most lately.  I'm sure that has somethng to do with this family vacation.  If any of you have ever beeen on a family vacation where there is more than 5 people, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Groups like that don't move quickly, make decisions quickly and NEVER stick to a plan.  Now while that is greatly irritating and painfully inconsistant it's thngs like those that make this change in me evident.

I grew up in what lI would consider a bigger family. I was used to (sometime)controled chaos.  I will not deny that I loved control and freaked out on my mom more than once for being late but still I was comfortable with it because I expected it.  I shared a room with my sister growing up and had room mates all through college.  I was used to beig aroud people all the time.  I was used to talking to someone all the time and going with the flow and making plans for more than just me.  But, my whole life has changed now.  I live on my own with only myself to plan for, myself to rely on, and myself to talk to (everyone does this...don't deny it!).  My constant companion became my ipod and a good book.

So as you can see, a trip to Vegas with a party of 10 was a wake up call to this change in me.

To be honest, I hate this change in me.  I know that I was created to live in community and build relationships with others but this lifestyle has conditioned me otherwise and it's killing me. I miss sharing a meal, I miss being challenged, I miss a good morning hug, I miss constant noise, I miss homey warmth and little comments in passing.  I miss my family, I miss the dogs running around outside and miss  making pankcakes at 2 in the morning just cause they're our favorite.

There are a lot of things I want to go back to.  Most of all I want to go back to living in a community, in a family, where I need and am needed.

All I need

I officially leave for Las Vegas in 2.5 hours.  Yay!
My family is going on a vacation and my loving and adoring, over the top, mother got us all flights and hotels in Vegas for our yearly vacation.  Thanks mom!

I’m getting pretty excited.  I get to spend some quality time with some quality people and I’m pumped about it.  However, I think I’d be pumped about that even if we weren’t going to Las Vegas.

When people find out I’m going to Las Vegas, I always get the same responses: Have you ever been?  Here is where you need to go. . . and . . . Are you going to win big money?  I always smile and chuckle about the latter of those responses, I think because it makes me a little uncomfortable.

I’ve never been completely secure in discussing finances, but I would say that I’ve also not ever been unsure what to say when it comes to finances.  You see I’m blessed.  I know I’m blessed.  I don’t mean that I’m rich by any stretch of the imagination but I was raised with a value and responsibility for money.  

Bear with me here, I know this seems like a weird thing to blog about but I have had a lot of run ins with thinking about/reading about/and discussing money lately.

I grew up on a farm and I have to say, I think that environment taught be a lot about finances.  Maybe it was just my parents that taught me a lot, I don’t know.  We didn’t live extravagantly, we did what we could to sustain ourselves with a garden, raising chickens and pigs and working on the farm.  It was a really good experience.  My dad was financially responsible to say the least.  He was on top of all things that had to do with money and I remember specifically one time we were all eating supper together and my dad called a ‘family meeting’.  He told us that the church was asking for a commitment from our family to help with renovations and that he wanted us to decide together to make some sacrifices.  I think that act of financial leadership and trust has always stuck with me.

In the time that my dad passed away we found out just how amazing he was at being financially prepared and equally how well my mom did being handed the reigns.  It was a hard time emotionally and I’m thankful that my dad planned for it to be an easier time financially.

Anyway, now to my thoughts and feelings about this more recently, I’m pretty average for a person being on my own just out of college.  I still have student loans and car insurance, etc., etc.  That is just the way life is, but I want to go back to something I said earlier.

I’m blessed.
I know I’m blessed.

I have more than enough.  I mean that financially and in many other senses of the word, I’m sure many of you can relate.

I just watched a video by Francis Chan that he posted as a little food for thought and it is on Proverbs 30: 7-9.  He talks about praying for your portion.  Praying for just enough.  Praying that God would not give you more than just what you need.  Some people probably think this is crazy.  Why wouldn’t you pray for blessing beyond imagination?  It goes back to the proverb about a rich man getting into heaven, it is easier for a camel to got through the eye of a needle.  In my own life when things are easy, when things are going my way, when I have more than enough, sometimes I forget that I need God.  I forget that He is ALL I need.

That is really what I was taught growing up and I appreciate that now more than I ever have.

I pray that what I’m blessed with I can use to bless others and I pray that I remember, even as I go to a city where money is a god, that no riches compare to the width and depth of love that has rescued us.

Growing up!

I’m getting older.

That reality was brought up during a car ride with some friends today.  They were talking about the ails of going beyond your 40th birthday and trying to prepare me for what is to come.  Little did they know that I had just recently thought long and hard about this unavoidable truth.

Things I have noticed that make me feel old:
My 5 year high school reunion is this fall!
People who were in middle school when I was in high school are old enough to be going to college!
I pay my own bills!
My eye sight is going!
A little girl at a wedding dance didn’t know the words to a Backstreet Boys song!
My baby sister is talking about her wedding plans!
My nephew is 5 years old!
All my friends are getting married!
My body is starting to ache all over!
I may have found a grey hair!

While this is not a comprehensive list, it just goes to show that I’m growing up.

My verdict on this reality is still out.  I’m not sure if growing up is good, or not so good.  I just can’t really decide.  I think it is hard for me to decide because I don’t feel like I’ve been ‘grown up’ for very long.  I just recently started to realize that all signs point to 'adult' in my life.

For some reason I have had this perception about myself.  I see myself younger than I really am.  Sometimes I wonder if it is because I’m around middle schoolers so much that they make me act way less mature than I should.  Or maybe it is because I’ve always wanted to stay a junior in high school forever?  Maybe I’m just not very perceptive? I’m not sure why I still see myself as a younger me, but my question is; does everyone else feel as though they have no idea how they got older?

It’s weird how fast life moves.  So many things seem like just yesterday.  Then again, so many things that I never thought would be over seem like ages ago.

I think it is true, with age comes wisdom (side note- I think that my Grandpa Derby was always wise…he just seems like a guy who was wise from birth).  I will say that without a doubt I’ve become more wise with decisions and more mature in my thinking.  That came of course with a heap of experience, exposure to new things, a changed outlook on priorities and of course some heartache.  Regardless of my age or my perception of my age I think I will always have times in my life I would love to revisit.  However I would never in a million years trade the lessons I’ve learned and the ways I’ve grown in my short 23 years.

This is me (in the middle) with my older brother and sister- I don’t look too happy!

Here I am with all of my siblings in my aunts wedding- Yay for boy haircuts!! :)  (Thanks mom!)

                                                  

Now I skip to high school-notice how I cut the middle school years right out of there!  This is me with my nephew----Who is 5 years old now!!!!!!!!

Freshman in college- with my roomie and one of my best friends

                                                    

Senior year of college- trip to Florida!!!

Recent photo- Randa’s wedding (she was beyond beautiful)

                                                  

Dogs Rule! Cats Drool.

It’s about time for a new post, it’s been a while!  So as I throw on some crest white strips I’ll take a break from packing to say hello to the blog world.

(Warning-after reading this post you may think that it was pointless.  So, if you’re in a hurry I’d just skip to the last 2 paragraphs)  :)

I’m a dog person.  You know how the proverbial 2 kinds of people are determined, either your a dog person or a cat person.  I’m definitely not a cat person!  That is a realization that came long ago with a certain feline called Harbon…(uhhhh…insert skin crawling shiver).  I really disliked that cat, I disliked everything about that cat and the worst part about that hairy, stinky, cuddly, fur ball was that Harbon LOVED me.  There were numerous times when I would be napping on the couch (one of my favorite past times) and Harbon would insist on snuggling with my face….there were consequently numerous times when I would ever so lovingly toss Harbon across the room.  Since Harbon my affinity for animals of the feline persuasion has not improved…I still hate cats.  Dogs however, dogs are my kind of animal.

I think I’ve always known that I liked dogs more.  I’ve never been much of an animal person in general especially for someone who grew up on a farm (side note- I told my dad I was allergic to the outdoors at one point when I was in high school just so I didn’t have to help with chores- tee hee hee).   But deep down somewhere inside this animal-less girl lies someone who really likes dogs.

When we were growing up my family had a dog.  I think technically it was given to my brother by my grandpa, but we all claimed him.  My siblings and I grew up with this black lab and he was the best.  He was my dad’s favorite hunting dog, my brother’s best friend, my mom’s garbage disposal, my older sister’s trail riding buddy, my younger sister’s pillow and my consistent partner always up for a game of fetch.  His given name was sparky, however my younger sister and I named him Sparkles P. Wellington III, to go along with his name we created this extravagant life for him where he was a distinguished millionaire dog with a greying beard who had lived a full life evident by the 7 languages he knew, some of which included horse and squirrel (My sister and I had a very creative stage…).

Anyway the point of this story was just to covey that somewhere deep inside I’ve always loved dogs.  This love for dogs resurfaced not to long ago when the parents of a good friend of mine went out of town and they asked me to take care of their dogs for a couple days.  I was pumped about this and taking care of their three dogs was no problem at all…ahem…well at least for the most part.

Here is a little background.  My good friend, Aleigh, and her brother got their dad a very large, enthusiastic, very large birthday present.  His name is Boomer.  He is a blood hound and I think he is still a puppy, however, he is the largest dog I’ve every attempted to walk.  Boomer is huge and hyper and strong, very strong.

Here is my story of Boomer and I on a walk.
Sometime last week I ran out to their house to do the chores in the morning and decided I would walk Boomer first so he could do his business.  I go into his kennel with him and hook him up to the leash, then before I know it the kennel door flies open and Boomer was off…I was drug behind him holding on to the the leash for dear life.  We took off up the hill around the usual pasture and I decide that maybe he wouldn’t pull so much if I jogged along side him while we were up in the pasture.  I was wrong.  We started going a little ways and it was working just fine but then we got the the point where we were headed back down the hill.  Picture this:  Boomer stops.  His noes goes straight to the ground and I know I’m in trouble.  He takes off.  There is no stopping him, he is on a mission.  My light jog soon turns into sprinting…and it is not by choice.  So, now we are headed down the hill and I feel like I’m going faster than is safe by any measure of the word.  Boomer kicks it into a higher gear…ahhhh crap!  He’s off…leash out of my control and soon out of my hands.  Frick!  So I jump up and continue chasing after him I hurdle through waist high grass and jump branches and puddles in my pursuit of this very huge, very fast dog.  About when I’d lost hope and start to feel bad that he is dragging around the leash I see a glimmer of hope.  Boomer was thirsty and there just so happened to be a pond.  Yesss!!!  Apparently sniffing out things tires a dog out quite easily and a nice cool walk by the edge of the pond was just what Boom needed.  Secretly I think Boomer sensed my sense of failure because he let me creep up on him and grab the end of his leash and even pet him one or two times before he started pulling me back up to the house.

Now, this picture of my adventure with Boomer may seem pointless and a little too much for a blog like mine.  However the lesson I learned from this little Boomer endeavor was a very short, sweet, necessary lesson: You could never have an adventure like that with a cat.

And that is why someday I hope to be a dog owner.

Dum Dum Da Dum (cliche wedding song)

Sigh.  Another fabulous wedding of the summer down…. Smile.

LOVE.

There is so much love…this is the summer of love…Can you feel the love…All you need is love…Livin’ on Love...

I feel as though I’ve been living on love for a while now, other people’s love…

You see, it all started back in March when one of my very best friends, Bobbie, got married to the man of her dreams, Mike.  It continued with Grant and Hilairee’s big day of wedded bliss.  Then came Tyler and Kristin’s youthful and beautiful ceremony.  Tonight was Matt and Kendal’s memorable night... and I still have Randa and Dan, Jordan and Krystal, Alex and Joey, Josh and Anna….Oh My!!!!

Maybe it is the season of life I’m in right now, but it feels as though I’m going to an awful lot of weddings (maybe it’s just the small christian liberal arts college I chose!).  It’s a good thing that I really enjoy weddings, I love to see the grooms face light up when he sees his bride walk down the aisle.  I love to see a father choke back tears.  I love it when family gets together to celebrate.   I love it when grandma gets out there to shake her tail feathers.  I love a wedding sermon.  I love wedding cake!  :)  Weddings are just so refreshing.  They serve as a much needed reminder of many things that I appreciate.  Weddings remind us to take the time to celebrate love, weddings remind us that we are to Christ the bride, weddings remind us that even in sickness and health there is a covenant that will endure.

For me, I’m so excited to get to celebrate with so many people and share in their joys of love.  However, I can’t help wondering-when is my turn?

Let me clarify- I in no way want to appear ungrateful for my current situation or desperate for a date to a wedding.  I would just like to say that I’m really excited to find that person.  That person who I can do life with.  That person who makes me laugh when I’ve had a crappy day.  That person who thinks it’s cute when I get stressed out about the little details.  That person who will write me little notes just to make me smile.  Wedding just make me very excited to find that person for me.

As I write this I find myself reassuring, and convincing myself that resigning control is the best way to be assured of the right timing in all of this.  My time will come, it will.  I have every ounce of confidence in that and I’m excited that I can trust a God so big to orchestrate something perfect for me.  Until that time I will continue growing, and learning and watching grandma shake those tail feathers.  :)

** Best of Luck to all those who I’ve shared and will have the deep privilege of sharing such a beautiful celebration with.  You are all inspiring in your love and dedication to one another.  I will continually be praying for your ministries as newly weds and cannot wait to see how God blesses your adventures together!  I LOVE you all!

*** Also, If you have been ever so blessed to have already found that person for yourself, be reminded by this post of how lucky you are.  Be reminded of the celebration that love is, I know it is a lot of work and frequently a choice you have to make, but it is a beautiful labor and a choice worth making.  Now, go give em a big smooch!!! :)

A Great Memory

I really don’t like goodbyes.  I’m sure I’ll have more to say about that in a later post, but today I’m positive of the reason that I don’t like goodbyes.  My greatest fear is forgetting.  I think this fear really surface when I was forced into the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say.

Today is Memorial Day, which is fitting because today is also my dad’s birthday.   My dad was killed almost four years ago and I’m beginning to realize my fear.  I hate it.  I used to be able to remember exactly what he smelled like and how his voice sounded, I used to be able to see him walk into a room and command the attention of everyone thanks to his black Stetson.  I used to be able to hear him jamming out to classic rock at 5 in the morning and I used to see his truck pull into the drive after the sun went down.  Now a days I’m starting to forget little pieces of what made him who he is.  This makes me more sad than most of you can understand.  I want so badly to remember every little detail.  I want to be able to convey to my family one day exactly who my dad was and exactly what he was like.   I hope that one day they will see enough of him in me and my siblings that they will understand how amazing my dad was.  We all miss him so much.

The advice I got from my mom for a day like today was to share a memory and while you are remembering, smile.  So, I’m going to fight forgetting, I’m going to fight the worst part of goodbyes and I’m going to smile.

This is my favorite memory of my dad.

When I was a junior in high school our basketball team was playing EB near the end of the season.  We needed to win the game in order to finish high in the conference (I don’t remember exactly, but I remember it was a big game).   I was nervous and I remember during warm-ups a couple of my teammates pointed out that my dad had arrived, this wasn’t unusual because they always loved spotting him walk through the gym doors in his black cowboy hat (he always looked so classy).  Immediately after seeing him my nerves were gone.

The game played out and it was a good game.  It went into double overtime and I was one of the only starters that had not fouled out for either team when it neared the end.  On the floor for us was myself and 4 underclassmen.  I remember calling them into a huddle and telling them they better not mess up…I’m not exactly sure what words I used :).  My team and I stepped up in that last minute and pulled it out, the entire gym erupted.  It felt like we had just won a state championship.

As we were walking back into the locker room I spotted my dad above me on the balcony.  He was crying.  After our post game talk with the coach I ran out and found my dad waiting, he was still teary.  He gave me the biggest hug and said to me, “I’ve never been so proud, you led with such class.”

The best part of that memory is that when I tell it, I can still remember what it felt like to be in his arms in that moment, I can still remember what it felt like to hear those words.

(Smile.)

Happy Birthday, Daddy.  We all miss you and love you so, so much.

Decisions…Frick!

Decisions.  Here is what I’ve decided about decisions:  they suck and I don’t want to have to make any.

Period.

As you can see I’m kinda being a baby about this, but anyone who has ever had to make a decision that just tears you in two understands where I’m coming from.

There was a time not too long ago, say 3 days, when I was so against making decisions that even when choosing what I wanted for supper or what music to listen to, I went on strike!  But then I got bored and hungry and I realized decisions are necessary.  Frick!  Why do decisions have to be so integral to human life!?!

This brings up a question: Why do I hate having to make hard decisions?

That brought up an answer: "Anna, I don’t trust you to make the ‘right’ choice,” affectionately, Self.

You see, pressure situations have never gotten the best of me.  This is all new to me, this insecurity, and I feel like there is pressure to make a right decision, pressure to do what is expected or pressure to be a certain person (Which is weird because I know that my family and friends don’t put this pressure on me…maybe I’m too hard on myself?).  I guess the bright side is that this pressure is forcing me to grow and make decisions, however the slightly less bright side is revealing that I don’t trust myself.

Have you ever lifted weights?  Have you ever had a barbell fall on you and crush the life out of you?  Me either.  But I can imagine the feeling.  And then I can imagine the feeling of that enormous pressure being lifted.  I can imagine how sweet that first deep breath of air feels.

It is easy for me to imagine because, oh…say...3 days ago, I felt that.  No, I was not crushed in a weight room.  Even better, I had a revelation.  I was ticked off about being faced with a possible decision, I was washed over with an overwhelming sense of peace about what would happen.  I realized that trusting myself was not the way to go at all.  I realized that there is no way that I would not be fine if I trusted My God to make the decisions for me.

I’ve always been a girl who loved control, that is one of the reasons why I love teaching, that is also one of the reasons why my previous relationship didn’t last.  Relinquishing control is one of the hardest things for me to do.  It is also one of the most necessary things for me.  When I take the control, the successes, the failures, the choices out of my hands and place them where they belong, then I can sleep easy at night.  When I sleep a little more easy, then I don’t hate those decisions so much.