This Change in Me

I'm in vegas now.  I decided there was no better time to blog than when I'm sitting in an airport for an hour waiting on flights. :)

This also means I'm writing this blog on my phone so bear with the typos, the keyboard is seeming much smaller than I initally thought.

As for what is on my mind these days...well to be honest, a whole host of things.  I'm thinking about saying goodbye to a community and school district, finding a place to live in a new community, how different I am from my family (not bad different), how much I'm looking forward to quality time with quality people I miss, catching my connecting flight and finally how much living by myself has changed me.

I think that last thought is the one that has been creeping up on me the most lately.  I'm sure that has somethng to do with this family vacation.  If any of you have ever beeen on a family vacation where there is more than 5 people, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Groups like that don't move quickly, make decisions quickly and NEVER stick to a plan.  Now while that is greatly irritating and painfully inconsistant it's thngs like those that make this change in me evident.

I grew up in what lI would consider a bigger family. I was used to (sometime)controled chaos.  I will not deny that I loved control and freaked out on my mom more than once for being late but still I was comfortable with it because I expected it.  I shared a room with my sister growing up and had room mates all through college.  I was used to beig aroud people all the time.  I was used to talking to someone all the time and going with the flow and making plans for more than just me.  But, my whole life has changed now.  I live on my own with only myself to plan for, myself to rely on, and myself to talk to (everyone does this...don't deny it!).  My constant companion became my ipod and a good book.

So as you can see, a trip to Vegas with a party of 10 was a wake up call to this change in me.

To be honest, I hate this change in me.  I know that I was created to live in community and build relationships with others but this lifestyle has conditioned me otherwise and it's killing me. I miss sharing a meal, I miss being challenged, I miss a good morning hug, I miss constant noise, I miss homey warmth and little comments in passing.  I miss my family, I miss the dogs running around outside and miss  making pankcakes at 2 in the morning just cause they're our favorite.

There are a lot of things I want to go back to.  Most of all I want to go back to living in a community, in a family, where I need and am needed.